


i am to see to it that i do not lose you

by trouvailleamor



Series: the essential facts of life and other escapades [1]
Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Neil's Father Sucks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:21:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28724271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trouvailleamor/pseuds/trouvailleamor
Summary: “Neil,” Todd said, sending a shock up Neil’s spine as he looked up to finally meet his eye. “You know that none of us would be okay, right?”AU where Neil doesn't die and things are a little bit better.
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Series: the essential facts of life and other escapades [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2199693
Comments: 15
Kudos: 109





	i am to see to it that i do not lose you

**Author's Note:**

> The events in the movie following Neil's suicide didn't actually happen, it was just Neil thinking about what the impact of his suicide would be. 
> 
> TW for suicidal thoughts.
> 
> Come join me in the land of denial!

Neil had expected it, he really had. Keating told him to stay true to himself, to tell his father about the play. Maybe if he had, things would have turned out differently. But they hadn’t.

 _Military school_ , Neil thought as the cold hit his skin. Neil knew that he would rather die than go to military school. He was empty, nothing left inside of him. His father made sure of it.

Acting was life to him, the only thing that kept his heart beating. He was certain that he would die without it. When he placed Puck’s crown on his head, the only thing he felt was the weight of it and the nip of the cold. He closed his eyes. He took it off. 

Neil thought that he might die anyway, even if he didn’t go downstairs, didn’t pull the gun out of the drawer, didn’t pull the trigger. He felt like he was drowning, choking on the oppressive air in the house. He went to pull on his collar when he remembered that he didn’t have one, that he was not wearing a shirt.

He got the key and made his way downstairs.

There was nothing but white noise in his brain, everything was fuzzy. He unlocked the drawer and pulled the wrapped gun out. The fact that he knew it was there, the fact that his father kept it there, felt like a taunt. 

His fingers itched. He pulled the fabric off. Neil was going to do it, he really was. 

But he shifted in the chair and felt the crinkle of paper in his pocket.

He’d forgotten all about it, the words that Todd had scratched on a piece of lined paper. He left it on Neil’s bed for him to read weeks ago and they never once spoke about it, but Neil kept it with him always. 

He pulled it out of his pocket, gripping it between his finger and his thumb. It was small, likely torn from the corner of Todd’s English notebook. He unfolded it, flattening it out and tracing his fingers over the words. 

_Truth is like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold. You, however, are a quilt, careful patches stitched together, just long enough to cover me. You show yourself to me and I am always warm._

He didn’t know why he kept it with him, but he knew that if he didn’t he would feel… less. Todd had watched him read it and had also watched him slip it into his pant pocket. They hadn’t talked about it. Maybe they should have.

When he leaned back in the chair, he brought the paper to his chest and left the gun sitting on the desk. He closed his eyes again and tilted his head back. 

If he did what he wanted to do, it would finally be quiet. He wouldn’t be expected to do anything, he wouldn’t have to go to military school and then medical school because he would cease to exist. The simplicity of it made the nerves crackle under his skin.

But if he did what he wanted to do, he would cease to exist. He would never feel the cold nip his skin again, he would never take flight away from Welton into the woods under the safety of darkness with his friends again, he would never call Charlie Nuwanda again, he would never hear Knox go on and on about Chris again, and he would never lay his eyes on them or Pitts or Meeks or Cameron or _Todd_ ever again. 

He could see it all behind his eyelids. He’d fire the shot, it would do the job. His father would hear it, he’s always been a light sleeper. His father would wake his mother - Oh God, his _mother_ , she wouldn’t believe that he was dead, she’d try to convince herself he was fine - and they would find him on the floor of his father’s study.

His father would never understand why he did it, would never see his part in it. Even though his father pushed him to this place, Neil did not ache to do it because of some sick, twisted kind of revenge. He just wanted out. 

He could see it all, though. His father would lash out like a hurt animal, looking for someone to blame. After his father told Keating to stay away from Neil in the parking lot after the play, Neil could easily assume that his English professor would get the brunt of it.

Neil knew his father and he knew that he would demand that Welton fire him. His father would link Keating to _carpe diem_ and to the Dead Poet’s Society. Charlie would get in trouble too, maybe even expelled after the last incident. Cameron would fink like he always did even though he swore not to. 

His father would make everything that made him happy a motive for his suicide, Neil knew it. That was just the kind of man he was, he never self-reflected enough to realize his responsibility in things. 

He wondered about Todd. Who would tell him the news of Neil’s death? Probably Charlie. The group of them would be there, in Todd and Neil’s shared room, waking him up. Would the snow still be white and thick on the ground? Would Todd rush out into it and fall to his knees, wishing it wasn’t true? Would he know that Neil’s father was to blame? Would he regret not saying the words neither of them ever said? Neil thought he probably would. 

Maybe Todd would turn against Keating when it came down to it, maybe they all would. Maybe Todd would find himself, find the voice that lived deep in his chest, stand on a desk, and exclaim “O Captain! My Captain!” in one final, triumphant battle cry. 

Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn’t. But Neil was always a romantic and he liked to think that Todd would do it. He also liked to think that Todd would do it anyway, even if Neil stuck around. 

_Stuck around, that’s one way to put it_ , Neil thought and he let out a shaky breath. He opened his eyes again and looked down at the gun sitting on top of the desk. 

He knew it would be easy, he knew it would be over. If he did it, Neil knew that he would never feel that awful, tight feeling in his chest every time his father started to speak again. 

But he wouldn’t feel the proud, glowing feeling he felt after performing in Midsummer Night’s Dream, he wouldn’t laugh at Charlie’s jokes ever again, and he wouldn’t feel butterflies in his stomach every time Todd smiled.

He placed the poem next to the exposed gun on his father’s desk. His father made important personal and business decisions sitting in the chair Neil was in. It seemed ironic to him that Neil just made the most important decision of his life, sitting there as well.

Neil dropped his elbows to the desk and his face to his hands before he started to sob.

He cried like he’d never cried before. It was like a dam had broken open and everything was rushing out. He could have done it, he would have done it without regret, and it scared him. 

“Neil?” A voice said, echoing through the room. “Oh my God, Neil!” 

It was his mother and she was shouting, her voice shaking, but Neil couldn’t bear to drop his hands. Just as his father would have woken up to gun shots, his mother would never miss the sound of her son crying in the middle of the night.

She was at his side then, wrapping him in her arms as they fell to the floor. Neil had the presence of mind to grab Todd’s poem from the table on the way down and secure it in his pocket before either of his parents, especially his father, saw it. 

His mother was hysterical, running her fingers through his hair and chanting “You’re alright, it’s alright, you’re fine,” which he suspected was not so much for his benefit as it was for her own. He pressed his face into her neck anyway. 

Then, his father was there too, shouting in confusion at the scene in front of him. “What is this?” Even though Neil wasn’t looking at him, he could tell the exact second his father saw the gun sitting on his desk. Neil heard as he sucked in a deep breath. “Neil,” he said in a hushed voice.

“He’s fine, Tom. Right, Neil? You’re alright,” his mother said as she stroked his hair. 

_I’m alright_ , Neil thought, but he said nothing.

———————

Neil slept like the dead after his mother got him upstairs. His father almost started yelling in the study, almost, but his mother took control for once in her life and snapped at him to stop. 

“Take that thing out of this house, Tom. I’m bringing Neil upstairs,” she had said before scooping Neil up and dragging him to bed.

He woke up when the sun streamed through his curtains and landed across his eyes. He blinked his eyes open and caught sight of his mother, sitting in a chair she must have dragged in from another room. She was asleep, leaning on her arm. He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. 

_I almost died last night_ , Neil thought. He reached into the pocket of his pajama pants and pulled out Todd’s poem. He held it up in the light and read it again. 

_You show yourself to me and I am always warm_.

Neil needed to see him. 

He pushed his blankets off as quietly as he could before sitting up and pressing his feet on to the floor. He wasn’t exactly sure how he ended up wearing a shirt, but his mother must have helped him into it last night. He stood up and tiptoed past his sleeping mother. 

When he walked downstairs, he noticed that the door to his father’s study was open. He stood in the doorway and looked at his father, who was sitting in the chair Neil had been occupying the night before.

“It’s not here,” His father said, not looking up from his desk. “The gun, if that’s what you’re looking for.”

“I know,” Neil said. “I wasn’t.”

“You upset your mother last night,” his father said. Neil wondered if it would be better or worse if his father could meet his eye. “Your behavior was unacceptable.”

“My behavior was unacceptable,” Neil repeated plainly. The numbness he felt the night before was creeping back into his bones. “I almost killed myself last night.”

“Neil,” his father said and the stern voice that used to scare Neil bounced right off of him. 

“I’m serious,” Neil said. “I almost died. I would have ceased to exist.”

“Neil,” he said, finally looking up at him. “Stop this.”

“No,” Neil said. He still didn’t have the confidence or courage he needed, but he _needed_ , more than anything, to be at Welton in his room he shares with Todd with his friends. “No, I can’t. I need you to understand.”

“We are pulling you out of that school. It’s not good for you,” his father said, staring him down. “Those people, your English teacher especially, have planted ideas in your head.”

“No,” Neil said again. “Welton is what makes me happy. I will go to medical school, I will do whatever you want me to do, if you let me stay.”

“It’s out of the question, Neil,” his father said. “I will not have what happened last night happen again.”

Neil crossed his arm over his chest. “If you send me to Braden,” Neil said, “I can promise you that it will.”

“Neil!” His father said and he stood, pushing the chair back with the motion of it. 

“Did you think I was good?” Neil asked. “Last night, in the show. I rehearsed for weeks.”

“It is a foolish hobby to waste your time on,” his father said.

“But was I good, Sir?” Neil asked. When his father said nothing, Neil let out a sigh. “I can’t go to military school.”

“Neil-”

“I really almost did it,” Neil said. “Do you care?” 

Instead of waiting around for his father to answer, instead of waiting for the same circular argument to restart, Neil turned around and marched back upstairs. 

His mother woke up with a start when he came back into his room. She looked frantically at his bed until she twisted around and saw him. Neil could see the relief flood over her features.

“Neil, baby,” she said, standing up and placing her hand on his cheek. 

“Mom,” he said, voice scratchy with emotion. 

“You look like you could use a nice, warm shower,” she said, stroking her thumb over his cheekbone before dropping her hand. “I’m sure it will make you feel better.”

Neil doubted that, but admired his mother’s enthusiastic belief in the healing powers of showers. “Okay,” he said. She reached over and squeezed his hand before leading him out of his room and into the bathroom. 

“You’re alright, Neil,” his mother said. She passed him a towel and clean clothes before leaning over and turning the water on. “You’re alright, baby,” she said again as she left the bathroom and closed the door behind her. 

———————

Neil was clean, warm, and dry the next time he stepped into his bedroom. His mother had made his bed at some point and he sat on top of the quilt she spread across his sheets. 

_You, however, are a quilt, careful patches stitched together, just long enough to cover me_ , he thought, reciting it in his brain from memory. He reached into his pocket, where he safely transferred the poem from his pajama pants. He didn’t pull the paper out, instead letting his finger touch the edge. 

He didn’t know what he’d do if he could never see Todd, or any of his friends for that matter, again. Neil’s brain didn’t let him get away with that and it reminded him that Todd was not in the same category as his other friends. He was always kept separately, both in Neil’s head and heart.

Neil groaned before running his fingers through his damp hair. Instead of being awoken by Charlie with news of Neil’s death, Todd probably slept the whole night through. He likely didn’t cry and didn’t fall to his knees in the snow. Neil was glad for it, glad that he had another chance to see him again. Neil had to hope that Todd’s thoughts strayed to Neil like Neil’s did to him so often. 

He doesn’t know how long he sits on his bed, staring at the wall. It could have been hours and it probably was, but he had no way of knowing. He was lost in his thoughts and stuck in his head. 

He was interrupted when his father, without knocking, pushed his door open and stood in the doorway. “Get up,” he said.

“What?” Neil asked.

“Get up and get in the car,” his father said, offering no further explanation. 

“Where are we going?” Neil asked, but his father turned around and left the room without another word. Neil felt the slight glimmer of hope for the future rush out of his lungs. 

He was stuck again and he had no way out. He felt for the paper in his pocket again before standing up and following his father out.

———————

Neil sat in the back seat while his father drove and his mother looked out the window on the passenger side. Neil was confused, even though he didn’t dare ask his father where they were going, because it seemed like they were driving towards Welton. 

He sat silently as they actually _did_ pull into Welton and he wiped the smile from his face when he saw his father watching him in the rear view mirror. When his father put the car in park, he said, “Out,” before pushing open his door. Neil didn’t push his luck and scrambled to meet his father. 

“You will focus on your studies,” his father said as soon as Neil was standing in front of him. “You will not lie to me anymore. You will call your mother once a week at least. The plan is still for you to go to medical school. Am I clear?”

“Yes, Sir,” Neil said. He noticed that his father hadn’t said anything about the play or about Mr. Keating, so he just held his tongue and nodded.

“Neil,” his father said and Neil thought that he saw something in his eyes that hadn’t been there since Neil was a child, but it was gone as soon as it came. “Go kiss your mother goodbye.”

Neil nodded again, giving the man a look of gratitude before rushing to the other side of the car. His mother, who opened the car door to meet him, pulled him into a tight hug. Neil’s family was never physically affectionate, but he leaned into her hug anyway. 

“We love you,” she said before kissing his forehead. “Know that we love you, Neil.”

“I know,” he said, although he didn’t know, not exactly. Maybe someday he would understand his father. 

“Go on,” she said. And after sparing them one last look, he did.

———————

When he got back to his room, Todd wasn’t there. Neil was relieved since he hadn’t figure out what he was going to say to him. He had to say something, but Todd’s words always meant so much and Neil was struggling to come up with something that could compare. 

He left the door open a crack and sat down on his bed, grabbing a notebook on the way. He had a pen in his mouth and an empty page in front of him when the door creaked open.

“Woah, Neil?” A voice said from the doorway. Neil looked up and saw Charlie standing there, arms crossed with a smirk on his face. “Are you here to pack up your things?”

“No,” Neil said. “I’m just here.”

“Really?” he said. “I thought you were a goner after last night.”

“I could say the same about you, Nuwanda,” Neil said. Charlie had no idea how close Neil really was to being a goner. 

“Damn it, Perry,” Charlie said, stepping fully into the room and shutting the door behind him. “I’m serious. I thought you’d be outta here and off to military school by this morning.”

“Well, I’m not,” Neil said, suddenly not wanting to talk about it anymore. 

“What happened?” Charlie said. 

Sometimes, Neil himself forgot that Charlie was his best friend and therefore knew him better than anyone else in the world. Neil and Todd were also best friends, but it wasn’t the same. Charlie knew him longer and, more importantly, he knew his father. 

“Nothing _happened_ ,” Neil said. 

“You’re telling me that your dad, Mr. Tom Perry, had a change of heart?” Charlie said, moving closer. “That’s bullshit, Neil.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Neil said, looking at him helplessly. 

“I want you to tell me what happened,” Charlie said. Neil didn’t understand why Charlie was acting like that, he didn’t understand how he could tell that something was wrong just by looking at Neil’s face. 

Neil was saved by the door opening behind Charlie. Charlie whipped around to find Todd standing there, looking sheepish and uncomfortable. A wave of relief washed over Neil at the sight of his face and a wave of dread followed it, realizing that he would face similar questions from him.

“Oh, sorry,” Todd said, looking at Charlie before staring back at Neil. “Neil,” he said.

“Hi,” Neil said back, his voice quiet and hushed.

“I- We didn’t know if you were coming back,” Todd stuttered. 

Neil shrugged only because he didn’t know what else to do. “I’m back.”

“But-”

“ _How_ are you back, Neil?” Charlie cut Todd off. 

Neil felt backed into a corner and sick to his stomach all at once. Charlie was looking at him with a kind of concern that made him uncomfortable. Charlie’s the goofball, he wasn’t supposed to be like that, he wasn’t supposed to just _know_ that something bad happened to Neil with no proof. Neil could only imagine what Todd looked like because he didn’t have it in him to look.

“What do you want to hear? That my parents found me in the study with a gun? That I almost did it?” He spat out, leaving the words at his friends’ feet. 

“Neil,” Charlie said the same time Todd let out a gasp.

“It’s over,” Neil said, cutting them off. “I don’t want to talk about it.” Frustrated by the entire conversation, he tossed his empty notebook and pen aside before standing up. “It’s almost lunch. I’m going to get something to eat.”

As he pushed past both of them to get to the door, he couldn’t bear to look at Todd.

———————

Later, after Neil ate lunch and chatted with Meeks, Pitts, Knox, and Cameron like nothing was wrong while Charlie and Todd sat in silence, Neil retreated to his room. He didn’t know where Todd was, but he wasn’t in the room so Neil pulled out his notebook again. Before he could come up with anything remarkable to say, there was a sharp knock on his door before it was being pushed open.

Charlie reappeared, shutting the door behind him. He moved so quickly that Neil didn’t think to rebuke him until he was already standing in front of him. 

“Neil,” Charlie said. “You are my best friend.”

Neil closed the notebook yet again and set it down next to him. “Okay,” Neil said. “You’re my best friend too.”

“Of course I am,” he said, crossing his arms. “So you understand that you aren’t allowed to die.”

“Charlie,” Neil said, already exhausted by the conversation.

“I’m serious, Neil. You’re not allowed to,” Charlie said. “Not like that and not anytime soon.”

“I thought…” Neil trailed off. “He was going to take me away from here, from my play, from everything. I knew I couldn’t live without it. It was my only way out.”

Charlie furrowed his brow. “Then why didn’t you?”

Neil didn’t really know how to answer that question, but he tried his best. “I thought about what would happen if I did.”

Charlie was quiet for a moment, seeming to turn Neil’s words around in his mind. “I want you to promise that you won’t,” he said.

“If I promise, will you leave it alone?” Neil asked, raising his brow in a challenge.

“Hell no,” Charlie said and Neil let out a surprised laugh. “Who do you take me for?”

Neil shook his head, but said “Fine, Charlie. I promise.”

“Good,” Charlie said but Neil somehow knew that they weren’t done talking about this. “And it’s Nuwanda, Neil. You know better.”

Neil laughed and shook his head. “Fine. Nuwanda then,” he said. “I promise.”

Charlie nodded and turned to leave before abruptly turning back again. Neil raised an eyebrow as he watched him.

“Are you going to tell him?” Charlie asked, glancing briefly over at Todd’s empty bed.

Neil felt himself flush bright red. “Tell who, what?” He asked, stupidly, because he couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“You really think I’m an idiot,” Charlie said, shaking his head. “You should tell him.”

With that, Charlie left, closing the door behind him.

———————

Neil struggled for almost an hour to come up with something to say to Todd but he came up blank like the sheet of paper sitting in his lap. He was pretty sure that Charlie had just told him that he was aware of Neil’s feelings for Todd and he didn’t seem disgusted by it or concerned. He didn’t think that Todd would be disgusted by it either, just based on the poetry alone.

He, much like a compulsion, reached into his pocket again and pulled out the poem. It was getting wrinkled and creased from the amount of times he had touched it and refolded it, but he could still read the words as clear as day.

He barely had time to hide it when he heard a knock followed by the creaking of the door opening. Neil scrambled quickly to shove the paper in his back pocket before looking up to see Todd standing in the doorway.

“Hi,” Todd said, shifting like he felt uncomfortable. “Can I come in?”

“Of course,” Neil said, sitting up straighter. “It’s your room too.”

Todd seemed unsure, but he closed the door behind him and made his way to his bed. He sat criss-crossed on the blanket, facing Neil. Neil tried to catch his eye, but Todd’s eyes were shifty and he was picking at his fingers. 

“Um,” Todd said before Neil could come up with something to say. “Are you- I mean,” Todd tried before sighing and shaking his head.

“I’m okay,” Neil said, taking a guess about what Todd was trying to say. “Really. Charlie already made me promise not to- you know.”

Todd shook his head again. Neil wanted to reach out and touch him then, his fingers itching like they had when he pulled the gun out of the drawer. He wanted to feel his skin under his fingertips. Todd was quiet for a while and Neil didn’t push him, waiting patiently for his friend to say what he needed to say.

“Neil,” Todd said, sending a shock up Neil’s spine as he looked up to finally meet his eye. “You know that none of us would be okay, right?” Neil had visions of Todd in the snow, of Charlie punching Cameron, of Keating _crying_. He knew, but it was different to hear it from Todd’s mouth. “Especially-” 

Neil wanted to beg Todd to keep talking, to ask him _especially what_ , but he would never push him. He just watched as his friend broke eye contact again and fidgeted where he was sitting. 

“I know,” Neil said, because he did. “In that moment, I just didn’t want to feel like that ever again.”

Todd seemed to mull over Neil’s words before trying to speak again. “What did it feel like?” He finally asked.

Neil shrugged. “Numb,” he said. “Like it was all over.”

“It’s not,” Todd insisted, voice rougher than Neil had ever heard it. “It’s not over.”

“I know,” Neil said again, feeling vaguely like they were suddenly talking about something else entirely. Todd flushed red all over under Neil’s gaze and Neil took pity on him, choosing to look out the window instead. “Look,” he said, standing up. “It’s snowing again.”

Snow in Vermont, especially that time of year, was not unexpected, but Neil found it beautiful all the same. Neil didn’t realize that he was waiting until Todd stood too and took a step closer to the window.

They stood side by side in silence for a while, watching the snow fall outside. Neil felt like he was holding his breath. He wondered if Todd was holding his breath too.

“It’s cold,” Todd whispered, so softly that Neil wondered if he was supposed to hear it. 

Neil hummed before looking at Todd in his peripheral vision. “It is,” he said, watching him closely. “I’m always warm, though.”

Todd went still and the tips of his ears burned red. Neil waited, returning his focus to the flurrying snow.

“I-” Todd stuttered. “What-”

 _You should tell him_ , Charlie had said. Neil ached to tell him, itched to touch him, and he wanted Todd to know everything. So, Neil turned and reached into his back pocket. 

Neil grabbed Todd’s shoulder with his free hand and turned him so they were face to face. Todd was looking at his shoes, but Neil, holding the poem in his hand, lowered it until Todd was forced to look at it. 

“I didn’t think you kept it,” Todd said in a hushed voice, refusing to look up. 

“Of course I did,” Neil said. “You wrote it.”

“God, Neil,” Todd said, his hair shifting back and forth as he shook his head. “You can’t say things like that.”

“Well, why not?” Neil asked. _Take a leap_ , he thought. Using the same hand he was holding the poem in, he reached out and touched Todd’s chin. He lifted it until Todd was forced to look him in the eye. 

Neil dropped his hand from Todd’s face but held the one on his shoulder steady. Even though Neil’s hand was gone, Todd was still looking at him. Neil waited, waited for a sign from Todd that this was okay. When it came, it was brief and Neil would have missed it if he wasn’t looking for it.

Todd flicked his eyes down to Neil’s lips before quickly looking back up.

Neil took a leap. He leaned forward and pressed his lips, softly and carefully, against Todd’s.

Todd made a nice, muffled sound and didn’t pull away, so Neil moved his hand from his shoulder to the skin of Todd’s neck. He felt Todd’s shaking hands grasp his sweater at his waist while Neil moved closer.

Neil was about to deepen the kiss when he heard someone out in the hall. He pulled away just in time, taking a step back from Todd as Knox burst through the door.

“I’m in love!” Knox exclaimed, thankfully too wrapped up in himself to realize that Todd’s face was as red as a tomato. “Neil, I’m in love and she just told me she loves me back!”

"That's not what she said," Charlie said from the hallway. When Neil leans to look past Knox, he sees Charlie, Meeks, Pitts, and Cameron standing there.

"It's pretty much what she said," Knox fired back.

“Chris?” Neil asked, cutting them off before they continued arguing. When Knox nodded, he said, “Well, that’s great!” He tried to garner some enthusiasm for Knox’s romantic life even though his friend had just interrupted a critical moment in his. 

“Come on,” Charlie said. “We’re celebrating in our room before lights out.”

“I guess there was a method to the madness after all,” Neil said. “You got the girl.”

“We’re celebrating you too,” Charlie said, “since you’re staying here and all.”

Neil caught the double meaning in his words and Todd probably did too, but the rest of them were kept unaware. Neil still hadn’t looked at Todd, he was scared that if he did, everyone would be able to tell instantly what they were doing before Knox busted in. 

“Let’s go, then,” Neil said, giving in and looking up at Todd. He looked shell-shocked, his mouth open a touch and his hands closed in fists by his sides. Knox walked out, following Meeks, Pitts, and Cameron, and Neil met Charlie’s eye. Neil could tell that Charlie knew. 

“Come on,” he said again, turning around and walking to his room. Neil looked at Todd again, who shook his head as if he was trying to wake himself up from something before following Charlie out. 

Neil took a deep breath, laid Todd’s poem, which he had kept safely tucked in his palm, onto his bed, and followed his friends out.

———————

They hung out in Charlie and Cameron’s room until lights out, shooting the shit and messing around. Neil, not for the first time today, was grateful that he did not take the final step yesterday. He was happy to feel himself warm at the sight of Todd laughing at something Charlie said.

But once it was curfew and they had to go back to their own rooms, Neil found himself wondering what was going to happen next. Todd hadn’t looked at him since the kiss but Neil was sure that what he felt for Todd wasn’t unrequited. Todd got stuck in his head sometimes and Neil knew that he needed to take the lead. 

Todd got ready for bed in the communal bathroom, which wasn’t unusual for him. Neil changed in the room and went to brush his teeth before going back to his room and crawling into bed. He had placed Todd’s poem in his desk drawer for safe keeping. It was the first time he hadn’t had it on his person since Todd gave it to him, but Neil was hoping that he wouldn’t need it in that way anymore.

He was hoping that he would get the real thing, if Todd was willing. 

He settled under the covers and waited for Todd to come back. Eventually he did and he shuffled in with his pajamas on and his eyes cast down. He turned the light off and crawled under his blankets, not saying a word or sparing a glance to Neil.

Neil’s heart squeezed painfully as he looked at Todd’s back in the dark. _Take another goddamn leap, Neil_ , he thought as he pushed himself out of bed, his feet hitting the cold floor. The space between his bed and Todd’s felt eternal, but he took two steps and he was there. 

“Move over,” Neil whispered, shaking Todd’s shoulder. Todd rolled onto his back and looked up at Neil, eyes wide.

“What? No!” Todd said. 

“No?” Neil said, ready to dive back under his covers and never come out again.

“Neil,” Todd whispered frantically. “Someone could walk in.”

“Oh,” Neil said. “Right.” He stepped back from Todd’s bedside and tiptoed over to his desk, terrified that if he made a sound, it would all be over. He picked up his chair and tipped it until it fit snuggly under their doorknob. When he was satisfied with it, he walked back to Todd’s side.

“That should do it,” he whispered, waiting for Todd to make the next move. Todd stared up at him until he wordlessly moved towards the wall and made room for Neil.

Neil exhaled and crawled in beside him, pulling the blanket up so it covered them both. Todd looked almost frightened and Neil couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and cupping his cheek. 

Todd closed his eyes at the touch and it made Neil smile. “Hi,” he said before leaning in and kissing Todd for the second time that day.

Neil felt Todd grab his wrist with one hand while he bunched his other hand in Neil’s sleep shirt. Neil dragged his other hand up and tangled his fingers in Todd’s hair. It was a little awkward, Neil had never kissed anyone before and he doubted Todd had either, but they figured out how to coordinate quickly. 

Neil ran out of breath and regretfully pulled back. He rested his forehead against Todd’s. Todd still had a death grip on Neil’s shirt, as if he was scared that Neil would disappear if he let go.

“I didn’t know,” Todd whispered. “Not for sure.”

“I hoped,” Neil said. “I thought about it.”

Todd flushed and bowed his head, his hair tickling Neil’s nose. Neil, feeling emboldened, pressed a kiss to his forehead. Neil thought about where he was last night, how dark and hopeless everything was, how numb and empty he felt. He thought about how different everything felt now, Todd’s body heat warming him next to him in the bed in their room at Welton.

Todd wasn’t the only reason Neil decided to stay. Todd wasn’t his savior and what happened the previous night was not romantic poetry. The burden felt easier to bear though, with military school off the table, Todd in his arms, and implied indifference from his father in regard to Neil’s extracurricular activities. 

If Neil could go to Welton, if he could kiss Todd when their door was closed, if he could be on the stage again as long as he never spoke about it in his father’s presence, then he would do it. He would keep his promise. 

“You can’t-” Todd started. He lifted his head, their noses brushing as he did. “You can’t leave.”

“I’m not going to,” Neil whispered. 

“You can’t,” Todd said again and Neil could see fresh tears in his eyes. 

“Hey,” Neil said, maneuvering them so Todd was half on top of him with his head burying in Neil’s shoulder. Even in the new position, Todd refused to let go of Neil’s shirt. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“What if,” Todd said, his voice muffled. “What if your dad changes his mind?”

“He won’t,” Neil said, dragging his hand up and down Todd’s side.

“But what if he does, Neil? What will you do then?” 

Neil thought about it for a second, remembered how he felt sitting at his father’s desk. Todd’s poem helped ground him. It helped him realize that no one would be okay if he did what he was going to do. He was sure his father wouldn’t change his mind, but if he did, Neil wouldn’t do it. He didn’t want to think of Todd on his knees in the snow, vomiting and horrified, or of Charlie getting expelled, or of Keating getting fired. 

“Nothing,” Neil said. “I’d send you poetry from military school.”

Todd exhaled against Neil’s neck, letting out a quiet laugh. 

“Would you?” Todd asked.

“I owe you,” Neil said. “I can’t promise mine will be as good as yours.”

Todd pushed himself up on his elbow. “You really liked it that much?”

“It’s my most prized possession,” Neil teased, but Todd leaned down to kiss him anyway. 

“I’m so tired,” Todd said when he pulled back from the chaste kiss.

“Sleep,” Neil said, pulling him back down so Todd’s head rested against his chest. 

“Good night,” Todd said as he curled closer.

Neil watched the top of Todd’s head until his breathing evened out. Even in sleep, Todd kept his fingers tangled in Neil’s shirt. 

Neil leaned his head back deeper into his pillow and closed his eyes. He could see it all behind his eyelids, the new life that he started today. 

He would graduate from Welton alongside his best friends, Mr. Keating would watch them walk from the audience. He thought he’d probably have to go to Harvard to appease his father, but he could still do theater there. Maybe he would be forced to go to medical school or maybe he would be old enough, when the time came, to make his own decisions. Either way, Todd would be by his side, he knew that.

Maybe Todd would go to Harvard too. That was what Welton was all about anyway, getting their students into the top schools in the country, and Todd’s grades were good. Even if he didn’t, he would probably stay in New England and anywhere there would be within visiting distance of Harvard. 

They would graduate from college, Neil was sure that Todd would study English. They could find a place of their own, their friends could visit them. They could visit Keating, wherever he ends up. It would be good.

Neil felt butterflies in his stomach and he realized that he was excited, actually _excited_ , for tomorrow.

———————

Neil stayed after class to talk to Mr. Keating, giving Todd a nod of reassurance when he didn’t follow him out of the room.

“Ah, Mr. Perry,” Mr. Keating said as he stacked his books on his desk. “I must offer you praise for your performance as Puck.”

“Thank you,” Neil said.

“I must admit, I was a bit surprised to see you in my class today,” Mr. Keating said, leaning against his desk. 

“I know,” Neil said. “My father changed his mind.”

“Did he?” Keating said. “I’m glad.”

Keating usually said more when he spoke, so when he didn’t, Neil suspected that he knew Neil had more to say.

“Mr. Keating, I almost did something drastic,” Neil said. “I almost threw it all away.”

“Why is that?” The man asked, crossing his arms across his chest. 

“I-” he said before sighing and running his hand through his hair. “I didn’t want to live a passionless life. I thought I was going to be forced to.”

Keating looked at him for a long moment. “Freedom lies in being bold, my boy,” he said. “Robert Frost said that. You lived it, on that stage.”

“My father will never accept it,” Neil said. “The only reason I’m allowed to be here is because…”

“You almost did something drastic,” Keating finished and Neil nodded. “Are you likely to do anything drastic in the future?”

Neil thought of his friends, of the Dead Poets Society, of Todd, and shook his head. “No, Sir.”

“I am not a Sir,” Mr. Keating said with a soft smile. “You were brilliant up there, Neil. You were _alive_.”

“I felt alive,” Neil said. “I want to feel it again.”

“Do anything, Mr. Perry, but let it produce joy,” Mr. Keating said. 

“Whitman?” Neil guessed and Keating laughed.

“Very good,” he said. He stood up and clapped Neil on the shoulder. “Let’s continue this conversation in my office. It’s most definitely a conversation worth having.”

Neil walked beside Mr. Keating to his office, feeling much lighter than he did before.

———————

When Neil got back to his room, he was physically and emotionally exhausted. He cried in Mr. Keating’s office, which he wasn’t expecting to do, but he did. He cried into his hands, much like he did that night in his father’s study. This time though, he had someone who fully understood him rub his back and tell him that it was going to be okay. 

Keating practically insisted that Neil come to his office to talk whenever he needed to, no matter what. Neil planned on taking him up on his offer. 

Todd wasn’t in their room, but he had been recently. His books were open on his desk and his lamp was left on. Neil shrugged off his uniform jacket and hung it on the back of his desk chair. He noticed a piece of paper sitting on his desk that wasn’t there when he left that morning.

When he picked it up, he realized that it was a couple short lines written in Todd’s handwriting. Neil felt his heart pick up speed at the excitement of it. Todd wrote him poetry and he left it for him to find in their room, he had done it more than once. He smiled and started reading. 

_You are the most beautiful thing in life, my most prized possession. Never doubt me, my love_.

Neil didn’t hear him come in, his heart was beating so fast he could hear it, but he sensed his presence suddenly. Neil turned around. 

“Hi,” Todd said, looking at the paper in Neil’s hand. 

Neil didn’t know what to say and it seemed as though Todd didn’t know either. Todd’s face wasn’t red like it had been the day before, it was pale, like all the blood had rushed from it. Neil didn’t want Todd to doubt him anymore, didn’t want him to think that Neil didn’t feel the same, so he reached.

He wrapped his arms around Todd and pulled him close. Todd immediately sank into his arms and pressed his face into Neil’s neck. Neil closed his eyes and pressed his lips to Todd’s hair. 

“Never doubt me either, Todd,” Neil whispered the words, the words only meant for their ears. “Never.”

Todd pulled back from Neil’s arms, eyes sparkling with something wild. Neil wanted to find out what it was and hold onto it. 

“I won’t,” Todd said and he leaned in.

**Author's Note:**

> These boys deserve a happy ending more than anybody, so I gave it to them.
> 
> In an ideal world, Neil would be in therapy. But it's the 1950s, so the best he can do is rely on Keating, who would do the job happily.
> 
> The title comes from a Walt Whitman poem and the beginning of Todd's first poem to Neil is from the Dead Poets Society movie. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
